The Parishers

Twilight

2009-01-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

First of all, i present you with this:

Limited edition!

So what is it that makes girls and gay people go hysterical over Twilight? Now, I didn't say people who've watched Twilight or read the book are completely morons-sucking-dicks. I'm talking about people who sold their souls and are willing to eat Edward Cullen's shit, right there resting on where the apple should be.

This is what happens when you say things:

Hmm.. maybe not.

A couple of days ago, i did an interview with a twilight fan. She was willing to answer all of questions without hesitating and i was impressed for once.

Me: How did you first gain interest in Twilight?

Twilightfan871: Easy. There was this Twilight cult. I thought it was pretty cool. They offer free noxious cookies. I didn't know what that meant, but i joined anyway 'cause it sounds cool.

Me: Nice, what did you guys do?

Twilightfan871: We did a lot of things, we bit each others' necks until we reach an artery. We painted our faces with white cum and use a lot of white dog shit as the whitening mask. Some people decided to go to the doctor and requested the extraction of their pigment so they become extremely pale! But they die of skin cancer after a few days.

Me: Interesting. In comparison of the book or the movie, which one do you prefer?

Twilightfan871: Well, none. You see, many people don't realize that they now sell penises that have the exact shape of Edward Cullen's ding dong. Biologists are trying to preserve the vampire's penis for the good of 'womenkind.' And since they successfully chopped off his penis and acquired the DNA, they made lots of clone out of it. I have my very own Edward Cullen penis. Look.

Me: Wow, that's really tiny.

Twilightfan871: Yeah, but at least it does tingle a bit. It's the thought that counts.

Me: Next question, will you eat Edward Cullen's shit?

Twilightfan871: You kidding me? I keep a huge sewer next to my house and store all his diamond shit innit. It taste like pork.. gotta love it.

Me: What would you do, if Edward Cullen is standing in your room right now?

Twilightfan871: Rape.

Such an interesting person, and yeah that's the end of it.

Seriously people. Suck a dick or die.

To dine and die for.

2009-01-15T04:02:00.000-08:00

What's with the blogsphere in Brunei these days? Bruneians have gone mad over expensive food. Be it Cheezbox, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Capers, Chill, Excapade (!!) and other places to chill and indulge themselves into food and atmosphere in which they themselves are not worthy of. Cheapo.

I wouldn't actually bitch about this if it wasn't for some stupid blogger -most, really- who'd take the liberty to go and fucking boast about how "today me and my baby go to Fun Wok and we ordered Nasi Lemak and a few minutes later while me and my baby were eating while we were sitting, we go to my Kijang car and went to the mall. Then me and my baby so bored go and relax at the Empire beach loh, so romantic. Me and my baby kiss for a long while. And then we got bored after a few minutes, we got hungry and go to Cheezbox and order the Cordon de Bleau while my baby ordered Spaghetti with meatballs, here are the pictures. Let the pictures do the talking'

OMFG! Don't deny that you havent noticed bloggers posting up posts as such. SASAK KU, MAKAN PUKI LAH KAU.

They dine at Cheezbox only to order a glass of water (the only thing they can hardly ever afford) and ofcourse chill at Chill (where chill = loitering with a bunch of unemployed pricks, smoking and hooting at hot chicks)

SO WHAT?

Pathetic. Utterly pathetic. It doesn't make you rich lah, orang miskin. Is that the only place where they serve free food? My admonition : Go and fucking scrutinize inside the sampah, cari tah makanan. That way, you'd be able to save money for abortion and you'll also create a new trend. Soon, everyone would want to post up pictures of them digging in the sampah for food. COOL!

And do you do free advertising for Cheezbox? or Coffee Bean? or Excapade?

"Hi, my name is Chicken. Oh yes, that's right fellas, i eat at the ONE AND ONLY... CHEEZBOX! J00 feelin' all jealous ain't y'all?"

No editing on the second pic on the right. Look at how this manipulated victim posted a picture of herself, gracefully holding the piece of crap in her hands with pride and strongly emphasized viewers to look at her new trophy. Like she just had her first dildo.

The Ultimate Shit Experience.

Repeat after me; "I will shoot myself. Twice."

Are you dead yet? Why do you do that anyway? Taking pictures of some magot-ey looking nachos succumed entirely with pre-cum, by that it'll be like posting up pictures of your "so uber yummy" slimy green shit that's dangling from your pussyholes. Are you proud of that, now, hah?! Thought so.

This my dear fuckers, is the sole object of your devotion. COFFEE. You lifeless bitches are so fucking obsessed with coffee.

quote "i need coffee, i'm craving for Starbucks. I need to go out and get coffee. I'd die if I continue like this" - motherfucker.

My GOD! Go and hump a coffee machine, and make lots and lots of coffee children. Kawin tah kamu sampai ke cicit.

I'll let you in on a little secret, only if you swear not to breathe a word. Okay, brace yourselves. I saw a Coffee Bean staff maliciously scraping the shit you excrete from the sewer next to yo' momma's house and blend it lovingly into your precious 'Mocca Caramel Latte' And the best thing is that, the whip cream they use -yeah, the white stuff- is fresh cum from a fat prick who wanks over you.

I SOLEMNLY SWEAR!

And you fell for it, HAH!

'I Love Camwhoring'

2009-01-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

Direct translation : 'I am a whore, fuck me.'

You disgust me. You brag about your -must I say- 'prestigious' lives when they're not so glam after all. Kepo!

Scene 1 : A girl gets up from bed ever so frantic that she must take a picture of her 'groomed' messy hair (the in thing, nowadays. THE messy hair)

the 'in' thing, konon!

Scene 2 : After showering, puts on make-up immediately and dresses in the skimpiest 'baju rumah' to post on facebook. Sometimes she accidentally forgot to put on clothes, she camwhores and the aftermath : the nipple slip. She becomes so elated after 1000000000000 pictures were uploaded.

You know you like it.

OH MAI.

Scene 3 : Takes SLR camera and pouts like there's no tomorrow.

What she said.

And you'd go, 'OMG OMG, EDWARD CULLEN!' faints*

DIE FOOLS!

Okay, so you post pictures of your ugly dickface and boast about your fucking SLR camera, THE Canon D600, EOS450D! Show off kau, lai? HELLO! You don't have to post a picture of your brand new, lustrous, polished, coruscating single-lens reflex camera (bet you didn't know what SLR stands for, BODOH) by taking a picture of it using another goddamn camera! You're still gonna suck at photography, anyway. You know lah, typical Bruneians.

Another thing, photo manipulation! You fucking photoshopped your face beyond recognition.

Like, 'SIAO, this cha bo so pretty can! So kawaii again, eh wait chinese got big eyes meh? Eyelashes so looooong, impossible you know. Usually gundul what. Me confused.'

Or, 'GILA BAIE, lawa jua chicx ani. Bukan nya Si (insert name) kan ni? Tadi ku liat inda jua basar susu nya ah, ani macam WOW. Karas yo!'

THE WONDERS OF ADOBE PHOTOSHOP!

So desperate of perfection trying to crop off the gigantic pimple from your pig-like nose. Don't go fooling yourself, mua mu macam babi. Deal with it!

'Music Is Life'

2009-01-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

BULLSHIT!

Are you people shitting me? Music in your blog? What were you thinking? So fucking annoying can! You think it's cool? Pukimu lah! Where got cool, motherfuckers.

What are you trying to show? Yo' momma didn't teach you how to download friggin' Itunes? Does yo' momma need to breastfeed you too? Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

You wimps.

Worst chicken pussy shit ever created by mankind.

Tell you dipshits what, place your headset between your rotten boobs like this:

DO YOU FEEL THE VIBRATION?

Nobody in fuck's sake would want to listen the noise your blog moans. You wanna fuck your blog is it? Don't you think it's a tad too irritating for readers to fucking read your blog when your fucking music is blasting in their ears? ASSHOLES. Anybody who'd like to scroll down to turn off your crappy music should just suck my balls. It'll be more worthy of your time.

You intend to show people that you listen to post hardcore music like those of Trivium, Disturbed, Cradle of Filth, As I Lay Dying and other screamo shitz when you don't even like them to start with. Just because your dick of a friend listens to metal, doesn't mean 'oh, baik tah ku dangar jua tu urang teriak teriak macam kana rogol bunyi nya ah, nyaman bui' COOL TAH TU? yeah, cool! Hip hop sucks to no end. Their music sounds like fart. And since you uploaded hip hop to your blog, bekantut tah tu blog kamu ah, non-stop. Bitch, it still makes you my sex slave, no less. In other words, you are a poklen.

2009-01-11T22:38:00.000-08:00

I hate cliques

Unlike American schools, we don't have jocks, emo kids, goths, preps nor do we have hardcore gangsters. Most people pissed in their pants, striving to get into one of these "bimbotic" tribes, as you call it. That's just plain stupid. It's eccentric and I find it very amusing that the kids in Brunei have created a whole new system of categorizing them lunatics into tribes like:

1) The chinese - They're definitely friends with each other amongst their own race, regardless of age, sex, level and the number of homeworks they do and the grades they get. We all know that pork consumers with eyes to the power of nano micrometres, are naturally brainiacs. With madmen like these, kids with average IQ feel degraded and unloved. So sad, right?

Eyes to the power of nano micrometres. HA HA HA HA!

But there's an exception to the limit of the intelligence of these creatures, that is the dumbass basketball chinese players.

I am now going to lay out the daily routine of your typical c-buddy.

6am: *Wake up call* Chinese says to itself, "No need to mandi loh, since i oledi eat pork last night. Meh."

6.30am: *On the way to school riding a Kijang* I wonder if i should rewrite my Bio essay and my History essay, OH BUDDHA, did i remember to bring my darling basketball today?

7am: *glides to classroom and arrives classroom*

7.30am: *begins intensive concentration and vigorous writing and also oblivious to its surroundings*

Breaktime: *Takes out pork along with dimsum and lomakai and egg tart and starts to share with other chinese* (Mind you, privilege Chinese only)

Afterschool: Play basketball with their c-buddies or attending non-other than the famous tuition at flying colours. Not to forget the Logarithm joke that only the chinese get.

Midnight:*After hardwork at tuition, competiting with other "smart-chinese" wannabes and frustrated that the tuition session only offers a maximum of 10 hours, they start to cry and vent their defeat on Mah Jong with its Popo.

Okay, enough about the chinese. Chinese New Year is coming and I would like to wish them Gong Xi Fa Chai. Eat more meat. The pigs are squealing for help, you evil people.

You motherfuckers! How could you!

2) The Malays. The diehard football freaks are freaks. They become insomniatic during football season and cry like pussies when Manchester United loses. What is the real deal here, man? It's not like football is god, goddamnit. These mommaboys venture their journey in school with their fellow Nomads, ever so loyal to each other.

Besides them, there are the preppy Malays. Never to be seen without a designer bag or their slave-like boyfriends, who obviously worship the air they breathe. Imitated products become a laughing stock of daddy's little princess and a hot gossip amongst their group. Poor, poor people. If you get what i mean.

Note: My advice to you preppy haters, if you hate them with a burning passion, just strip them off of their virginity or, for girls, throw up on their perfect round boobs and discreetly place a fresh dog shit in their LV bag. Oh, don't forget girls, don't break a nail!

I can't be bothered to think about other trivial cliques. World hear me out, being in a clique, makes you a fucktard and "fake". You might think it's cool to hang out with "my 50 friends", when you don't actually have a real friend, 'cuz all you need is one.